My Stirrup Story

What you are about to read is graphic at some points. But as it is a true story, it has been told completely as is, in the need for full disclosur.

When I was 19, a bouncer in a club raped me. I blamed myself – I was dressed provocatively, I was drunk. Many people would have said I was “asking for it” and that’s what I thought at the time. It was years before I could see that I had not been “asking” to be raped.

Rape creates ripples. It affected every aspect of my life, especially major issues with intimacy. But until I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I didn’t realize that the most detrimental effect being raped would have on my life was my avoidance of cervical cancer screening and pelvic exams. I could barely handle intercourse – there was no way I was going to let a doctor, a relative stranger, insert a speculum into my vagina. The idea of having that device inserted and widened inside me seemed like being violated all over again. After I was raped I stopped going to the gynecologist. I did not have a Pap test until I was 34 – 15 years after I was raped.

I went into therapy to deal with my crippling anxiety. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Not too long after, I started having periodic excruciating pelvic pain. I saw a whole host of doctors – my general practitioner and two gastroenterologists - but never a gynecologist – I still wasn’t ready for the invasiveness of a speculum. But none of the doctors I saw had any answers. I was finally convinced that I needed to see a gynecologist which meant I had no choice but to face my biggest fear – unwanted penetration into my vagina by a foreign object.

The day came for my appointment I’d made with a gynecologist.  I lay on the table and my gynecologist began inserting the speculum. She did not explain what she was doing during the exam. She probably assumed that I was just another patient who’d had many pelvic exams before. I was too ashamed of being raped to tell her how scared I was of having a speculum, or even her fingers, inserted into my vagina. My body tensed, I couldn’t relax my legs. I broke out in a full body sweat, and I began to hyperventilate. I couldn’t get rid of the image and the feeling of the rapist holding me down and ramming his body into mine, I felt like he was in the room with me and I was being violently raped all over again. I couldn’t stop crying, tears streamed  down my face. When the exam was finally done, I was shaking all over. I was so relieved but the worst part was yet to come. That visit to a gynecologist diagnosed me with cervical cancer. 

When you have cervical cancer, your vagina is constantly being examined, be it with a speculum, or just your doctor’s fingers. And this is hard. There are flashbacks – it’s like being violated all over again, even though the exams are for healing purposes and not to defile. I still have panic attacks: sweating, elevated pulse, hyperventilating, and my whole body still tenses. I’ve been so fortunate that my oncologist is incredibly kind, and as gentle as possible when examining me. He explains the exam step by step, and moves slowly and lightly. And with time, I have been able to separate the violation of rape from the healing touch of my doctor. It still isn’t easy, but my health is the most important thing. And I am proud of myself for my willingness to overcome my past trauma in order to face my fears. I want women to know that nobody deserves to be raped. Nobody deserves HPV or cervical cancer. You did not ask for this. You just need to listen to your body, get screened, and remember that you are never alone.

 I am a rape survivor. I am a cervical cancer survivor. I AM A SURVIVOR.