the checkup

Tomorrow I see my oncologist for my regular checkup. These happen every 4 months for the next two years. My last exam was fine, still NED (no evidence of disease). However, I am honestly terrified. I wrote recently about a friend who went through treatment only to find that her cancer has metastasized. While her initial staging was different than mine, it really rocked me. She did everything she had to do, only to find out that it wasn't enough. And this is every cancer patients worst fear.

My cancer was only in my cervix. So for me, if it were to recur, it would come back in the place where my cervix used to be. My oncologist has reassured me that this would be visible during an internal exam, and would obviously show up on the Pap smear. And I have a really low recurrence rate. Does any of this make me feel better? Less anxious? Less terrified?

No.

There is no cure for cancer. The best you can hope for is to be NED. For two years, you see your oncologist every few months for checkups, and if you are still clear after two years, your recurrence rate drops down, and you go every six months. If you're still clear in five years, they consider you to be cancer free.

Sounds great, right? If you haven't had cancer, you wouldn't think so. For me, my mind can become consumed with thoughts of those deadly little cells that might still live in my body. Every twinge, pain, or bad feeling in my body makes my brain scream "CANCER!!!!!!!" It may sound overly dramatic, but that's what cancer does to you: it makes you distrust your own body.

So tomorrow afternoon, I'll go see my oncologist. He'll perform an internal exam and a Pap smear. And God willing, I will still be NED.