the fear cycle

I saw my oncologist on Tuesday, and got another all clear. So now I have four months of being worry free until my next appointment, and the fear and anxiety kick back into high gear.

I've talked about this before, the fear you live with after being diagnosed with cancer. Even when you are declared NED (no evidence of disease), fear lingers.

When I had my hysterectomy in June, my oncologist said everything was good: the cancer was located only in my cervix, I had no lymph node involvement, I would need no additional treatment. And I was ecstatic. Then the fear kicked in. What if he was wrong? What if he missed something? What if there was cancer in one of the lymph nodes he didn't remove?

I asked all those questions and more at my post op check up. He assured me that they biopsied everything. That they took enough lymph nodes to have a very good representative sample, and that I was just fine. My recurrence rate is 5%. Again, I was thrilled. And then I became incredibly depressed.

I've talked about the depression before too, I know. My therapist, a 20+ year breast cancer survivor, explained to me that it was completely normal. When you are going through treatment, you are doing everything you can possibly do medically to remove the cancer from your body. But you never know when that treatment will end. There are steps: scans, biopsies, surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc. You just never know when you've reached the goal of removing all evidence of cancer from your body. One day your doctor tells you that you're clear, that no further treatment is needed, and it's like hitting a wall. You can't do anything else from a medical standpoint; you just have to hope and pray that your doctor was right, and that cancer doesn't rear it's ugly head again.

Like I said, I have a four month reprieve until my next exam. But in four months, that fear and anxiety will return. That's the fear cycle. Because there is no cure for cancer. Yes, you can go through treatment, be considered NED, and never have another recurrence in your life. Or it can come back.

The only way to fight this fear is with hope and faith. To take joy in the days that I feel good. I have a new appreciation for my body, for it's strength, it's resilience, what it has overcome. I have not always treated my body as the precious vessel that it is. I have caused it harm. I know the fear cycle will continue. But I also know that it will lessen over time. And that every day that I have is precious.