a bittersweet celebration

As you know, I celebrated my first cancerversary on Tuesday. I was completely serious when I said that I thought that day would never get there. And then suddenly, there it was, a whole year had passed from the day my oncologist performed the radical hysterectomy that saved my life.

Obviously, I was elated. I'd hit a major milestone. The longer you go without a recurrence, the greater the chances are that you will remain cancer free. Of course there are no guarantees in life, but the statistics are good.

And now for the bad news. A very dear friend, Melissa, who I've written about before, was hospitalized last Friday. She was in excruciating pain, went to the ER, and wound up getting admitted. As it turned out, she had a partial bowel obstruction, so the doctors wound up doing what was basically an emergency colostomy. And of course, this happened on Tuesday.

How could I be so happy when my dear friend was going through so much? Why is she still suffering, and I'm celebrating? I feel so much guilt, even though that isn't rational. But emotions are not always rational.

As if that weren't enough, I found out yesterday that another friend had a biopsy done to remove precancerous cells from her cervix. She doesn't have the biopsy results yet, and she is scared. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be fine, but I have no way of knowing that. For many women, once the precancerous cells are removed, they are completely fine and clear. But I know too much and have seen too much to do anything other than support her, be empathetic to her fears, and share my own experience with her.

So yes, it's been bittersweet. I'm happy to still be NED, but am so sad for these amazing women and what they are going through. I don't feel like I have the right to be happy.

There is really nothing I can do except to pray for my friends, that they heal, that they live long, happy lives. I would do anything to make that happen.

Traditional Buddhist Blessing and Healing Chant

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.

My First Cancerversary!!!!!!

Today is my first cancerversary! On June 16, 2014, I checked into Sibley Memorial Hospital for a radical hysterectomy to rid my body of cervical cancer. The surgery was a success, and I was officially declared NED (no evidence of disease). My recovery was hard: I was in a lot of pain; I developed a hematoma and some blocked lymph nodes, surgical artifacts. One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with was the loss of my fertility. I had no intention of having any more children, but it’s different when it’s a choice you make versus one that is made for you.

I didn’t get through this alone. My oncologist, Dr. Jeffrey Lin, without a doubt saved my life. My mom, Karen, and my fiancé, Jeff, were essential, especially in those first few weeks. My friends & teal sisters were unbelievable. Tealies, thank you for being there at all hours of the day and night to answer all my TMI questions and provide excellent advice, to commiserate, or even just a simple response to let me know that I was not alone. Miriam, thank you for always checking up on me and making me laugh my ass off. Ashley, thank you for teaching me how to be a warrior. I especially need to thank Amanda, Jennifer, Kim and Melissa. Without those four amazing ladies, I never would have made it this far. I am so grateful that we are bonded for life.

I think it goes without saying that I would never ever wished to be diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified for a very long time, and still get nervous even now. But having cancer has taught me a great deal, some good and some bad. I learned how strong my spirit is. I learned how amazing my body is. I learned who my true friends were by who showed up when I needed them, and who didn’t. Most importantly, I learned how much I love myself and how very much my life means to me.

While my fight is (hopefully) over, there are so many of my friends still struggling with this horrible disease, and many more women will face gynecological cancers in their lifetimes. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep up with your Pap smears, as well as getting tested for HPV. Early detection saved my life, and for that I am forever thankful beyond words.