a bittersweet celebration

As you know, I celebrated my first cancerversary on Tuesday. I was completely serious when I said that I thought that day would never get there. And then suddenly, there it was, a whole year had passed from the day my oncologist performed the radical hysterectomy that saved my life.

Obviously, I was elated. I'd hit a major milestone. The longer you go without a recurrence, the greater the chances are that you will remain cancer free. Of course there are no guarantees in life, but the statistics are good.

And now for the bad news. A very dear friend, Melissa, who I've written about before, was hospitalized last Friday. She was in excruciating pain, went to the ER, and wound up getting admitted. As it turned out, she had a partial bowel obstruction, so the doctors wound up doing what was basically an emergency colostomy. And of course, this happened on Tuesday.

How could I be so happy when my dear friend was going through so much? Why is she still suffering, and I'm celebrating? I feel so much guilt, even though that isn't rational. But emotions are not always rational.

As if that weren't enough, I found out yesterday that another friend had a biopsy done to remove precancerous cells from her cervix. She doesn't have the biopsy results yet, and she is scared. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be fine, but I have no way of knowing that. For many women, once the precancerous cells are removed, they are completely fine and clear. But I know too much and have seen too much to do anything other than support her, be empathetic to her fears, and share my own experience with her.

So yes, it's been bittersweet. I'm happy to still be NED, but am so sad for these amazing women and what they are going through. I don't feel like I have the right to be happy.

There is really nothing I can do except to pray for my friends, that they heal, that they live long, happy lives. I would do anything to make that happen.

Traditional Buddhist Blessing and Healing Chant

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.