The Agony of the Cancer Community

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I joined several Facebook groups because I needed support. I needed to connect with other women who were going through what I was going through. I wasn't always vocal on these boards, but I got the support I needed. And I formed friendships with women beyond these groups that I will have a life long connection to.

These friendships are bittersweet. I have seen women go through recurrences. I have watched my dear friends die. I have waited for phone calls bringing the worst possible news. And it fucking sucks.

There is such a feeling of powerlessness. I want to make it better, but I can't. All I can do is pray, and that is not nearly enough. I can't save these women. I can't take their pain away. I am completely impotent.

Death is on my mind a lot lately. How to stop it. How I can't stop it. How there are no good answers, no rhyme or reason. And that really sucks.

I need these ladies in my life. I need to know that they are feeling the same things I feel, that their fears are as great as mine. I know that death is a natural part of life, but I would do anything to take away the suffering.

To my friends who are struggling right now, facing brick wall after brick wall, please know that I am here. I will never leave your side. I will love you forever and always. You have held me up when I couldn't stand on my own two feet, and all I want is to do the same for you.