First, when I was 19, I was raped by a bouncer in the parking lot behind a night club. I didn't tell anyone for years what had happened. I was in the club, very drunk (and very under age), and I had gotten separated from my friends. As I walked past, this bouncer grabbed my arm, and led me out a side door. I figured that I was getting kicked out of the club for underage drinking. Instead, we wound up in the employee parking lot. He took me to his truck, pushed me inside, and raped me. When it was over, he led me back inside, and walked away. He never said a word to me the entire time.
Then, when I was around 33, I started having pelvic pain, which eventually led to my diagnosis of cervical cancer. The pain was actually not related to the cancer at all - I think it was just my body's way of alerting me that something was wrong, and I fortunately kept pursuing the matter with several different types of doctors, until I was finally diagnosed.
So I have PTSD, both from the rape and from the cancer. And I still have pelvic pain. My vagina is like a no fly zone. Sex is painful for me, and causes bleeding. As a result, my husband and I don't have sex frequently at all. I feel horrible for him. We are still newlyweds, and we should be doing what newlyweds do. But instead I make excuses, and we don't have sex, and we miss out on the intimacy of making love with the love of our lives.
Another issue I have faced is basically a distrust of my vagina. In my mind, it goes something like this: I had sex, and got HPV, an STI. The HPV gave me cervical cancer. Therefore, I got cancer from having sex, and that makes sex dangerous.
During my oncology check up yesterday, I had a long conversation about this with my doctor. He did a very thorough pelvic exam in addition to my Pap smear, to make sure that my vagina was fine from a physiological standpoint. He said that everything looked good. The pain is kind of a self-fulfilling prophesy: I expect sex to be painful, so I tense up, which does in fact cause it to hurt. The bleeding is more of a chafing issue than anything else. We discussed several options to improve my situation:
- Using a dilator. Dilators are mostly used by women who have had brachytherapy, or internal radiation, which shrinks and stiffens the vaginal vault. His opinion is that a dilator is not necessary at this point, as my vagina is in good shape.
- Lube and foreplay. My oncologist thinks that engaging in extended foreplay would quell my anxiety enough that my vaginal muscles will relax, and penetration will not only be possible, but enjoyable. Lubricants will help facilitate the relaxation, as well as stop the chafing that causes the bleeding. Lube is especially helpful for women who have had their ovaries removed during their hysterectomy, which causes menopause, and makes dryness a major issue. Fortunately, I still have my ovaries, and am not in menopause. My vaginal dryness is, like everything else, centered around my anxiety.
My husband and I have decided to go with the second option, using lube, and aiming for 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay before attempting penetration. We also agree that if standard intercourse is not possible, there are other things we can do sexually, like digital penetration or oral sex.The most important part is the intimacy that comes from making love. If one partner avoids sex, it has a tendency to make the other partner feel like they are unattractive to their mate. This is totally not the case at all - my husband is the handsomest, most sexy man on the planet, and I love him more than anything. I would do anything to make him happy.
I know that other women deal with these types of issues after treatment for cervical cancer, many to a much greater degree than I do, especially those who have had internal radiation. I know it's hard, but my advice to you would be to use lots of lube, set the mood, spend a good amount of time leading up to the main event, and remember that sex can be a whole lot more than just penis-vagina penetration.
xoxo Jennie
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