Today I go see my oncologist for my 4 month check up. Even though I'm a little over 2 1/2 years NED (no evidence of disease), I still see him every 4 months for a vault smear, and the occasional HPV test. As a general rule, I'm totally fine with seeing him every 4 months. It just means I know with more frequency that the cancer has not come back.
But then there is the anxiety surrounding the visit. I haven't been sleeping very much for the past week, most likely because my brain is screaming "Cancer! Danger, Will Robinson, CANCER!!!!!" This is completely illogical, because I have been NED since my hysterectomy on 6/16/2014, with no questions at all during any of my follow up appointments. But I've learned that my brain is not always rational when faced with the prospect of cancer.
Even though my chances of a recurrence are ridiculously low (something like 5 - 10%), each visit to my oncologist provokes a deep fear that he will find SOMETHING. Since I no longer have a cervix, a recurrence would most likely be vaginal or vulvar. I should probably spend some time checking myself for anything out of the ordinary, but I don't.
Confession time - ever since my diagnosis (April 2014), I have steadfastly refused to put my fingers in or around my vagina. The main reason is because my anatomy has changed. Instead of a cervix, I have a cuff, or a doctor-built pseudo-cervix. Because tissue from my vagina was removed during my hysterectomy for testing, my vaginal canal is shorter than it used to be. Gone is the vagina I spent 34 years knowing well, and I am honestly terrified to introduce myself to my new vagina.
So today I will head off to my oncologist, he'll do the smear, and the whole thing will be over in about 5 minutes. Seriously. 5 days of stressing for 5 minutes of examination.
And then comes the waiting game. If all is well, I'll get a letter in the mail, possibly as long as a month after today's visit (my onc's office is slightly technologically challenged). If, god forbid, there were to be bad news, I'll get a phone call. So I'll keep stressing for about a week or so, then figure the path reports have come back normal, and just wait for my letter.
I deal with my anxiety with medication, and I feel no shame or guilt about that. Valium is my friend. I also exercise and meditate (don't laugh, but I do Chakra meditation focusing on my pelvic area and sex organs to bring as much good juju as I can).
How do you deal with the anxiety of oncology check ups? How frequently do you see your oncologist? And how far out are you in your journey?
xoxo Jennie
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