Survivor's Guilt

I say over and over again how lucky I am. My oncologist removed all my cancer with my radical hysterectomy, and I required no further treatment (chemo, external radiation, or internal radiation, otherwise known as brachytherapy). I spent a lot of time minimizing my disease. Finally, my therapist told me to cut it out - that I had an illness that would have been fatal if it hadn't been treated effectively.

I have survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I was so lucky, and that I didn't need the additional treatments that so many of my friends have needed. I see them sick, tired, in pain, and my heart breaks for them. And I am frustrated because this is something I can't relate to, and therefore have no words to make them feel better.

I feel guilty that I'm still alive. So many women aren't. So many women have tried every treatment available to them, and in the end, the cancer won.

I feel guilty that I have a child, and that I see women who will never have the opportunity to carry their own baby in their belly, or women who are now unable to expand their family the way they always dreamed they would.

I belong to an amazing support group on Facebook for women with Gyn cancer called the Teal Ladies. This group has been a huge source of knowledge for me, and the support I've received has been mind blowing. We are a sisterhood, a Teal sisterhood. It's a sisterhood none of us would have ever chosen to join, but we love and value each other because of our shared experiences. It is through these amazing women that I have learned that my feelings are fairly universal. I am not alone.

So what's a girl to do? I try to do the best I can to be empathetic to my friends still in treatment. I try to be encouraging. I tell them I believe in them. I honor the angels who have gained their wings. I tell myself that they aren't in pain anymore, that they are at peace. For the women who are unable to have children, I offer my ear to any that want to talk/rant/cry.

I live with the guilt of getting through cancer so easily, comparatively. I weep for these women who I love. I do what I can to make them smile, or to at least know that I'm here and that I care. I feel their pain, their sadness, but also their joy at milestones and victories they have achieved. I know we are all just doing our best to beat this horrible disease. And so I try very hard to not let my feelings of guilt overrun my life. I do always remember how lucky I am, and I always keep in mind that someone else is still fighting, someone is losing the battle, someone is giving up on their dreams in order to live a long and healthy life.

xoxo jennie