First #CCAM Contest!

Since Friday is #NationalWearTeal&WhiteDay, and also the first day of #CCAM, let's kick the month off with a contest!

The first two people to leave a comment of a selfie of them wearing something teal and white will when a prize! It's a win-win situation - support cervical cancer awareness, and get a goodie bag in return!

Even if you are the first two to post, I still want to see your teal and white!

xoxo Jennie

National Wear Teal & White Day 2016

To kick of #CCAM, Friday 1/1 is National Wear Teal & White Day. Make sure you wear your teal & white, and encourage your friends and family to do so as well. Let's start the month strong!

I challenge each of you to take a selfie showing you in your teal & white gear and post it in the comments below, or in the comments on the My Life After Cervical Cancer Facebook page. The first three people who post pictures will win prizes! And who doesn't like prizes???

I'm really looking forward to #CCAM2016, and I hope you all will join in the conversations and comments. Let's spread the word that cervical cancer is important, and deserves the same recognition as other cancers. Let's knock down the stigma, and show the world that we are your neighbors, friends and family members, and we deserve support.

I'm looking forward to seeing your pictures, and sending out your prizes!

xoxo Jennie

January Is Almost Here!

And that means it's time for Cervical Cancer Awareness Month, or CCAM! Thirty one days of sharing experiences, learning how to fight this disease, and honoring those fighting and those whose battles are over.

As you've heard me say time and time again, not all cancer is pink. Breast cancer is absolutely serious, and no form of cancer is "better" or "worse" than any other. Cervical cancer is not something that is talked about enough, in my opinion, nor is it's precursor, HPV. So in January, we will wear teal, and talk about HPV, and Cervical Cancer, and what we all can do to pretty much eradicate this horrible illness (yes, that is true!).

So in four days, I'll kick off some great stuff here at My Life After Cervical Cancer. You can expect a new post every day, some awesome guest bloggers who will provide some different perspectives on the cancer experience, lots of great information, and maybe even a contest with prizes!

In the meantime, if there is anything you would like to read about, anything you'd like to know about HPV or cervical cancer, please leave it in the comments, and I will do my best to address it this month!

xoxo Jennie

18 Months NED

Today, I am 18 months NED! That's 547 days with no sign of cancer in my body. I didn't really know how to handle this day. Things have not been all unicorns and rainbows in my cancer community lately. I have friends whose cancer has returned. Friends whose cancer has metastasized. A friend entering hospice care. Friends living with daily treatments, and no end in side. And of course, I'm still dealing with the death of my dear friend Melissa. So to go nuts about 18 months of remission seems a little like rubbing some peoples noses in my good fortune. Because I do believe that luck plays a definite role in how our bodies respond to treatment. For some of us, it works; for others, it just does not.

I raised this question in an online group: am I being a jerk to call attention to this? And the answer I got was a resounding NO. That I should celebrate anything I want, and as often as I can. The women most vocally encouraging me to embrace this day are women still fighting for their lives. That floored and humbled me.

When I was diagnosed, I couldn't imagine making it to my first post-treatment check up. People told me that I would, and then I would hit 6 months, then nine, then a year. And they were right; all of those dates passed with a letter in the mail saying "Pap smear results normal." My mom and I had a wonderful party over the summer to celebrate our first cancerversary. Even though she was diagnosed with breast cancer two months before my diagnosis, radiation treatment caused her NED date to be closer to mine.

When you have cancer, there is nothing you want to hear more than the words "No Evidence of Disease." We all live with at least a low level fear of cancer returning, but when you are classified as NED, there is some breathing room until the next exam.

I chose to include this quote by Oprah because I think it applies to all of us, those still battling this disease, and those who have been declared NED. There is always something to celebrate in life, even if it just getting out of bed in the morning. Full disclosure: some days, washing my hair is my big cause to celebrate. But the point is, the more we look for the good things, the victories large and small, we can praise and celebrate our lives. And that in turn gives us a life of appreciation, of gratitude, of celebration.

My hope is that each of you finds something in your life to celebrate today. Whether it is a victory over a medical issue, or that you just look really good in your outfit today, own it, and celebrate the HECK out of it. I promise that that feeling of celebration will make today special, and that's pretty cool.

xoxoxo

jennie

Upcoming Cervivor Schools

In September, I attended Cervivor School West in San Diego (I blogged about it here and here). To be completely honest, in the days leading up to my departure, I totally wanted to back out. I have general and social anxiety, so this experience was going to throw me completely out of my comfort zone (My comfort zone consists of my bedroom. And occasionally my living room). I was going to have to fly by myself! Meet new people! Talk to those new people! But in the end, I went, because I really did want to go, and also my husband would probably have fed me into a wood chipper if I lost the cost of the flight. I'm not going to rehash the event, because I already wrote two blog posts about it, but I do want to say two things about Cervivor School West specifically:

1. I wish I had been more open and outgoing while I was there. These women made me feel safe from the very start (hi Lori!), but I still kept some of myself back.
2. Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to become closer to my Cervivor Sisters that I met in CA. It's bittersweet - yes, it is great to have their love and support on a daily basis, but it sucks that we're spread all over the country.

The good news is that Cervivor School happens all over the world, and there is no limitation on the number of times you can attend! There are two Cervivor Schools happening in January, and I'm attending one of them! The first is Hoosier Cervivor School, being held January 16 in Indianapolis, IN (for details, click here). Next is Cervivor School South, happening in Charleston, SC January 28 - 31 (for details, click here). I'm headed to Charleston! I would be thrilled to be attending either Cervivor School, because there are fabulous women that I met at Cervivor School West at both. Cervivor's founder, Tamika Felder, will of course be at both sessions (this woman is on the go advocating for cervical cancer detection, awareness, and prevention 24/7, everywhere. Forget Carmen Sandiego, it should legitimately be Where In The World Is Tamika Felder?). Indianapolis is being hosted by Erica, Heather, and Melissa. You can read each of their stories here on Cervivor's website, including Erica's husband JR's story about being a caregiver. Charleston is being hosted by Marie, whose story you can read here. I cannot say enough good things about these women.

So who should attend Cervivor School? Anyone whose life has been affected by HPV or cervical cancer. This means women who are HPV positive, women with pre-cancer, women who are in remission, and women who are still fighting this horrible disease. Caregivers are also welcome to attend, although there may be certain sections that will be for patients only. Cancer is not a solitary disease. When a woman has cervical cancer, so does her husband, her children, her parents, her siblings, her friends. Cervivor School helps to show that we are all in this together, that there is support available.

If you are interested, visit Cervivor's website (cervivor.org) to learn more about Cervivor, Cervivor School, becoming a Cervivor Ambassador, and even do some shopping.

Sexual Assault & Gynecologic Exams

No woman enjoys going to the gynecologist  to get a Pap smear. You are naked from the waist down, feet in the stirrups, butt scooted all the way to the end of the table, with a thin sheet draped over your knees to give the illusion of modesty. Meanwhile, your doctor has a lamp trained directly onto your vagina. Then comes the speculum to open up your vaginal vault so that your doctor can get a better look, and swap around with what are basically giant Q-Tips to take samples of your cervix and vaginal walls. Many women don't go for their well-woman visits when they should, just because the whole experience is so uncomfortable.

But what if you were a rape survivor?

Around 300,000 women in the US are sexually assaulted every year. This is only an approximation, because many women do not report assaults due to shame, feeling to blame, and denial. Many women are too ashamed to tell anyone at all, and therefore don't get the help that they need to deal with what has happened to them.

I am one of those women. I was raped by a stranger. I did not report it. I was drunk at the time, and felt like it was my fault for putting myself in a vulnerable situation.

Nearly a third of rape victims develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). People with PTSD have flashbacks to the trauma - these can be triggered by sight, sound, smell. Dissociation, or the separating oneself from thoughts and feelings, happens to protect the victim psychologically. PTSD sufferers are also hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for potential danger.

A Pap smear definitely acts as a trigger for a survivor of sexual assault. Regardless of whether you were raped brutally by a stranger or a person known to you, rape is an incredibly painful physical and emotional violation. When we are afraid, our vaginal muscles contract to try to block whatever is being inserted against our will. In the case of rape, unwanted penile penetration feels awful enough. But a metal speculum is even more painful, especially due to all the muscle clenching. It's a vicious cycle - the more your doctor encourages you to relax, the tenser your tend to become, making the exam even more painful and embarrassing, almost to the point of the original trauma itself.

Going to the gynecologist terrifies me, and it triggers memories of being raped. I sweat. I cannot relax. It hurts like hell. So for many years, I just didn't go. And I'm not the only one: many assault victims do not go for well-woman exams. This is dangerous for several reasons. Pap smears are performed to check for STIs (you may have to specifically request
 tests from your doctor), and to check for changes in the cervix that could either be pre-cancerous, or active cervical cancer.

So as a rape survivor, how do you handle going for regular Pap smears? In my experience, it's incredibly important to have a good "team." Ideally, this team should consist of someone you are close to, who you can trust to talk about your rape with; a therapist who deals specifically with trauma survivors; and a gynecologist who is understanding, and willing to go at your pace during the exam. There is a fantastic article on Jezebel on preparing for a pelvic exam after a sexual assault, written by a woman who was raped.

 Please remember that if you find yourself in this position, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You did not ask to be raped. But it is important to be current with your well-woman exams. They can and do save lives.

The Verdict on the Form Letter

I FINALLY talked to my oncologist yesterday, and got some answers about that scary form letter saying that I am HPV positive. He confirmed that it is a high risk strain, but couldn't tell me which strain exactly. He said that when they run the test, they run the sample against a panel of 13 high risk strains, and if any of them come up positive, you have high risk HPV. Since almost 100% of cervical cancer is caused by high risk HPV, I in all likelihood have had HPV for years, and it just lay dormant. Sneaky little virus, that one.

Of course, my main concerns were A. Does this increase my chances of a recurrence? and B. What does this mean for my husband's health? Yes, HPV can and does cause cancer in men - penile, anal, and throat and mouth cancers.


First of all, my oncologist assured me that my Pap results were normal, meaning no changes in the cells. As a quick aside, your body sheds old cells constantly, to make room for new, healthy ones. When the old cells don't shed, they clump together and form tumors, which is where cancer comes from. So the good news is that I am still in remission.

Since I had a radical hysterectomy when I was diagnosed, I no longer have a cervix, which means that cervical cancer isn't really an issue for me anymore. My doctor did say that high risk HPV could cause vaginal, vulva, and anal cancer, but the percentage of those occurring drop pretty dramatically the farther you get from the cervix (distance-wise). The best thing I can do is to take care of my body as much as possible, and of course keep up with my regular exams with my oncologist.

As far as my husband, he plans to talk to his own doctor about warning signs for penile or oral cancer. Since there is no test approved by the CDC to test for HPV in men, we will never really know for sure if he has it. Since HPV is so easily spread (it doesn't even require intercourse, just skin to skin contact), chances are high that he does have it.

I'm not crippled by anxiety now that I've had my questions answered. I have a low level of fear, but the only part of the fear that is new is with regard to my husband's health. I will always have some fear about my cancer recurring; the goal is just to not let it run my life.

I want to say thank you to all who prayed, sent love, and good vibes. Thank you to all who took the time to help talk me down off the ledge while I waited to hear from my doctor. I honestly don't know what I would do without this amazing community of women, all fighting this monster we call Cancer, who still find the time to reach out and say "I'm here for you."

Next Wednesday, December 16, I will celebrate 18 months in remission. When I received that letter, I honestly didn't know if that day would be worth acknowledging. But it is. Cancer came into my life completely unbidden, and I fought hard as hell. And I am still standing. So next Wednesday, we'll do a little something special to mark another milestone that I never thought I'd reach when I was first diagnosed.

xoxo jennie

The Form Letter... And The Cancer Saga Continues

In October, I had my most recent exam with my oncologist. He said everything looked good, so I headed out, glad to be done with the joys of a vault smear for four more months. On Wednesday, 12/2, I received a letter in the mail from Sibley Hospital, where my oncologist is located. It was just a standard form letter with the results. No big deal, I thought. My Paps had all been perfectly normal ever since I had my hysterectomy. It's not going to say anything meaningful right?

Well, we make plans, and God laughs.

The letter said that Pap was normal, but my HPV test came back positive. I have no shame admitting that. About 80% of Americans have some strain of HPV. I just had no idea what it meant for me in terms of my cancer. When testing for HPV, it is possible to determine the strain as well. This form did not show that.

There are actually more than 10 strains of HPV that are considered high risk. The most notable of these are strain 16 and strain 18, accounting for about 70% of cervical cancer diagnoses. But all of the high risk strains have the potential to cause cancer.

So what does this mean for me? Honestly, I have no idea. I am terrified that my cancer will come back; or that my husband has gotten HPV from me, and could develop cancer in the future. I have been calling and emailing my oncologist's office since I read the letter Wednesday night, and still have not spoken to anyone who can answer my questions. I've had some very knowledgeable friends tell me not to worry, but I just can't stop. I won't feel better until I talk to my oncologist, and he tells me that it's a low risk strain, and that it doesn't increase my chances of a recurrence.

This is what it is like to live with cancer. On December 16, I will be 18 months in remission. That doesn't mean I'm cured, because of course there is no cure for cancer. Doctors can remove tumors, but the cancerous cells can still remain dormant. If you are lucky, you remain in remission for the rest of your long, happy life. And if not, well, there are many different ways that things could go.

So for now I'm in a holding pattern. I can't move forward until I speak with my oncologist. And it's terrifying to not know what is going on, and what it really means. But I kicked cancer's ass once before, so if the absolute worst thing happens, I know I'll be able to do it again.

#CCAM

There are only 27 days left until Cervical Cancer Awareness Month. Unfortunately, it isn't like October - we won't see pink everywhere; there will be no sports teams wearing teal shoes & gloves. Yes, breast cancer is important. ALL cancers are important. But gynecologic cancers are still somewhat taboo. There is the stigma of sex. As a friend once said, her mother didn't want her to tell anyone that she had cervical cancer because it was "the bad girl's cancer."

It is past time to dispel those thoughts. We have a potentially fatal disease, and there is absolutely NO REASON that we should be made to feel less than because of it. None of us asked for it. None of us deserve it. January is our chance to talk, to educate people who are misinformed about cervical cancer.

In my opinion, talking about it is the best thing we can do. It breaks down walls, and shows other women that they are not immune to this disease. Encourage every woman you know to attend her well woman visits on time, every time. Too many of us put that off, for whatever reason, and when we finally went, it was too late.

Think about things you can do to impact women in your community. Contact the media. If you are dealing with cervical cancer, ask if they would be willing to do a story on your experience. Keep reaching out, and don't give up.

Husbands and partners play a role here too. They can encourage the women in their lives to have regular checkups. No woman enjoys having her feet up in the stirrups, butt scooted to the end of the table, a bright light shining on her vagina. But it makes it easier to have someone there holding her hand.

In January 2016, I'd like to hear a roar about cervical cancer. If each one of us makes the effort, our voices will be heard.

What can you do to make a difference?

Coming Up for Air

It's been radio silence for a while, and I apologize. A lot has happened over the past two months, and it has not been easy. I am floating on a sea of sadness. I have lost someone who means the world to me.

Not long ago, I blogged about my dear friend Melissa Fisher. I am sorry to say that Melissa passed away November 17 after a two year battle with cancer. Honestly, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Her passing was not sudden; two months prior to her death, her medical team told her there was nothing more that they could do. Hospice was set up, and she was fortunate enough to be able to go home, to be with her amazing husband Ed, her best friend Colleen, and her fur babies, Stewie and Lilly. This was what she wanted. It didn't make it any easier for the people that loved her, but it was HER choice. And through these last months, Melissa showed the grace and beautiful spirit that was her trademark.

My friendship with Melissa did not span decades. But cancer, that nasty, insidious disease, bonded us together. As I've said before, it's hard to deal with friendships when the other person is battling a life threatening disease. There is always that chance of losing them. And as a cancer survivor, it butts right up against my own mortality. It could have been me.

Melissa touched so many lives. Her story has impacted us all, made us wanted to be better because she was so good. Despite all the pain and struggle, she is now at peace. She is there in the stars above us, smiling that incredible smile, guiding us as we navigate this new stage of our lives. Her teal wings are beautiful.

Melissa, I will carry your love with me always.

The Agony of the Cancer Community

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I joined several Facebook groups because I needed support. I needed to connect with other women who were going through what I was going through. I wasn't always vocal on these boards, but I got the support I needed. And I formed friendships with women beyond these groups that I will have a life long connection to.

These friendships are bittersweet. I have seen women go through recurrences. I have watched my dear friends die. I have waited for phone calls bringing the worst possible news. And it fucking sucks.

There is such a feeling of powerlessness. I want to make it better, but I can't. All I can do is pray, and that is not nearly enough. I can't save these women. I can't take their pain away. I am completely impotent.

Death is on my mind a lot lately. How to stop it. How I can't stop it. How there are no good answers, no rhyme or reason. And that really sucks.

I need these ladies in my life. I need to know that they are feeling the same things I feel, that their fears are as great as mine. I know that death is a natural part of life, but I would do anything to take away the suffering.

To my friends who are struggling right now, facing brick wall after brick wall, please know that I am here. I will never leave your side. I will love you forever and always. You have held me up when I couldn't stand on my own two feet, and all I want is to do the same for you.

Melissa Fisher, My Hero

Last summer, I met a woman named Melissa who would change my life. We connected through a Facebook group for women with cervical cancer, and we just kept growing on each other like mold. Before too long, we were #cancerbesties.

Mel was diagnosed in June 2014 with stage 1b2 cervical cancer. That's still considered an early stage, but it was agressive, and she did have to go through a lot of treatment - surgery, chemo and radiation. It was rough on her, but she was most positive cancer patient I have ever seen - "I'm gonna beat this." "I'm gonna kick cancer's ass." Because that's who she is as a person. She radiates love and positivity. She puts others before herself. For example, if I took a hiatus from Facebook, she will text me and threaten to send out the National Guard.

In October, Melissa finished chemo and radiation. That's a long damn time to go through all of that. She had side effects: chemo brain, nausea, food not tasting good, exhaustion. She still stayed positive. She and her fiance Ed had had to postpone their vacation to their happy place when she was diagnosed. So once she was done with treatment, with the help of Ed and Mel's parents, she got to spend her time in her happy place from November through January. She needed the break, to recoup mentally, physically and spiritually. And yes, because she is the photo queen, we got to see plenty of pics. Ed, family, and friends visited. She did come home for bits at a time.

And then the bomb dropped. She started having extreme pain, so her oncology team moved her PET scan up early. And what they found was devastating. Not only had the treatment failed to remove the cancer from her body, it had actually metastasized. Melissa went from being stage 1b2 with the hope of being NED (no evidence of disease) to being restaged to stage 4.

She said she couldn't be upbeat and positive like she was before. She needed time to  process. I have never felt so impotent in my life. This woman I love like she was my sister, my #cancerbestie, was living a nightmare, and I had no words or actions to make it better. But true to Melissa's indomitable spirit, she asked what was next. I won't go into all the consultations, options, clinical trials, etc. because I don't really understand them. Because I was lucky. But I will tell you all the amazing things that have happened for Melissa since she received that horrible news.

In April, Melissa's sister-in-law, Danielle, hosted a Beef & Beer to raise money for Mel's medical costs. There was food galore, drinks were flowing, a silent auction (I actually won a prize!!!!).

And then it happened. Ed took the stage with a minister and his best man, and one of Melissa's two best friends from forever, Colleen, was there too. And suddenly, Melissa was walking down the aisle with her father. To the great surprise of everyone in the banquet hall, Melissa and Ed got married. I still get chills when I think about it.

It was the most perfect, most beautiful wedding I have ever been to, and I am so grateful that I was there to witness it.









So let's fast forward to the last few weeks. Mel was in a clinical trial, but her tumors grew, so she was removed. She and her oncologist decided to put her on a dual chemo regimen. However, one of the drugs, Taxol, at full strengt, would cause her to lose her hair. So in true Melissa fashion, she went out with a bang. Melissa has long, smooth, shiny, beautiful hair that hangs halfway down her back. And facing losing that, like the true rock star she is, she dyed her hair...

TEAL!!!!!!

Yes, that is my #cancerbestie, looking like a sex machine, with her beautiful teal hair. Talk about going all in and truly representing your cause. She knew she wouldn't have it for very long, but as she said, "How often do I get an opportunity to go crazy with hair color!!"

There are so many things about cancer in women that are hard. Mastectomies, radiation damage, loss of fertility, and yes, hair loss. We feel these are the things that make us women. The truth is, they are not. And given the choice between no treatment and death, and treatment that can cause horrible side effects, but make you live, it's kind of a no brainer.

So Melissa started losing her hair. She was faced with a decision that no woman, especially with hair as magnificent and TEAL as hers, wants to face: to shave it off or to not shave it off? She worried she'd look like a boy. I'm sure she worried that she wouldn't be beautiful any more. But she made her choice.

"Looks like I left something at home today...oops!!!"

Melissa shaved her head. And guess what? She is as beautiful as ever, even more so because she was brave enough to make that decision. Do you see this woman with those huge blue eyes? Shaving her head only accentuates them. She is still the beautiful, funny, positive woman that we all know and love. Hair or no hair, Melissa you are beautiful inside and out. And did I mention funny? Check out the caption.

I had the honor of spending a few days in Delaware with Melissa and Ed over the summer. She was not feeling great, and was bummed that she couldn't take me out for at least one night on the town. But all I cared about was being with her. We slept on the couch together every night that I was there. We talked, we laughed, we were our usual #cancerbesties. Melissa's chemo regimen is intense right now, so I'm not sure when I will get to go visit her again. But I've got photos (selfie queens) and memories, and of course, Facebook. And I am sure, deep in my heart, that I will be with my dear friend again.

 I think I've done a good job of selling it out for you all the reasons I admire this woman. Ultimately, she is my hero because she NEVER GIVES UP. She has her bad days, but she bounces back, and is the same positive, uplifting, hilarious, loving woman. We all break down sometimes. Melissa gets back up and keeps fighting. Mel, if I never met you, there would be a void in my heart and I wouldn't know why. And I wouldn't have anyone to build the most insane farm ever with.

I love you, with all my heart, to the moon and back. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for the hugs and kisses. Thank you for being my #cancerbestieforever.

For the full story of Melissa's big fight, check out her blog, that OTHER "C" word.

xoxo
jennie

2015 National Race to End Women's Cancer

 
In April of 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 1b1 cervical cancer. I was devastated. I was 34 years old, how could I possibly have cancer?!?! It was definitely a life changing moment for me. I felt ashamed at first, and it took me a while to share my diagnosis. But I needed support! In June 2014, I had a radical hysterectomy that fortunately removed all traces of cancer from my body, and I have been in remission ever since. I have also been lucky to find the support I so desperately needed through The Foundation for Women's Cancer and Cervivor. I truly believe that I was able to beat this horrible disease so that I can be an advocate for cervical cancer screening, the HPV vaccine, and a source of information and support to other women going through this. By joining my team or making a donation, you are helping to do all those things as well.

The race is put on by the Foundation for Women's Cancer. Their goals are to:

• Raise public awareness of ways to prevent, detect and optimally treat gynecologic cancers;
• Provide education about gynecologic cancers and the importance of seeking care first from a gynecologic oncologist if a gynecologic cancer is suspected or diagnosed;
• Support promising, innovative gynecologic cancer research and train a cadre of clinicians/scientists to participate in clinically relevant research.

I need your help. Donations are of course welcome. If you are in the DC area, or are willing to travel to the DC area for the race on November 8, 2015, I would LOVE to have you on my team!

As an added incentive, Tamika Felder Campbell, founder of Cervivor, has generously offered to donate prizes to anyone who donates to my team in the next 24 hours (ending 10/8/2015). How cool is that???

You can make a donation or join my team by going to my team page, The Donation Page of Jennie Elms. Please pass this on to anyone in your life you think would be willing to donate. 

Thank you!

xoxo Jennie 

In April of 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 1b1 cervical cancer. I was devastated. I was 34 years old, how could I possibly have cancer?!?! It was definitely a life changing moment for me. I felt ashamed at first, and it took me a while to share my diagnosis. But I needed support! In June 2014, I had a radical hysterectomy that fortunately removed all traces of cancer from my body, and I have been in remission ever since. I have also been lucky to find the support I so desperately needed through The Foundation for Women's Cancer and Cervivor. I truly believe that I was able to beat this horrible disease so that I can be an advocate for cervical cancer screening, the HPV vaccine, and a source of information and support to other women going through this. By joining my team or making a donation, you are helping to do all those things as well. Please join me in my fight against cervical cancer! - See more at: http://www.endwomenscancer.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1131900&lis=0&kntae1131900=B680509917014DCABF238147FDD13848&supid=413310050#sthash.ky66vnmX.dpuf

Four Life Changing Days (Part 2)

Before I get in to the second two days of Cervivor School West, I want to mention someone who I somehow forgot to mention in my first post (so embarrassing!). We had the fortunate opportunity to have Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, CA and a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. Dr. Durvasula was 100% real, honest, and open. She talked to us about anything and everything, and I am now officially obsessed with her!

So day two of Cervivor School West! This day focused a lot on medical facts. We started off with Less Stress and More Life with cervical cancer survivor (20 years, WOOT!), author and wellness expert Mary Marcdante. She went through some body exercises to help improve our overall sense of well-being, and before we knew it, we were having a dance party to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift! I had definite white girl syndrome, which Chellese was unfortunate enough to witness. But the all time superstar was Lily - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, girl, you KILLED it!

Next, we focused on HPV, cervical cancer, health disparities and public health, let by Jesse Nodora, DrPH, and Ana Lilia Maldonavo, both of Project Vela (Spanish for sail). One of the best takeaways from this was how part of their program worked as patient advocates for women in particular for whom English is not their first language. A case manager such as Ana literally walks the patients through the entire process, helping them to understand their diagnosis and treatment in their own language, so they really understand.

Our next speaker was Rebecca Perkins, MD, MSc Boston University School of Medicine. She covered screenings and vaccinations, as well as misinformation and how we can combat it. There is a TON of misinformation out there regarding the Gardisil vaccine, so I was greatly appreciative to have so many facts to combat that misinformation!

At this point, we veered off schedule, and watched a film called Someone You Love: The HPV Epidemic. I had heard about this movie, and how wonderful it was, but I was not prepared to actually watch it. Don't get me wrong, it is real and raw, and completely authentic. The movie covers five women with cervical cancer and their journeys through the disease. I'm not going to provide any spoilers, but I highly recommend that you watch it. It is very emotionally overwhelming. As a cervical cancer survivor, as well as having many friends at different stages in the disease, I found a way to relate to each story. And I cried, hysterical flat out ugly crying. God bless Chellese - she scooted in close and held me until I could pull it together.

Fortunately, we moved on to a lighter topic - how to "Keep Things Sizzling" in your relationship beyond cancer. That's right, we talked about sex! Physical intimacy is very difficult for women who have gone through treatment for cervical cancer. There is fear. There is pain. For some women, radiation damage takes sex completely off the table for them. But there are things that can help. I won't get down and dirty, because I have family members who read this, but if you have specific questions, get in touch with me!

And then to close out the day, we were treated to an absolutely beautiful, sexy routine by burlesque dancer Hot Tin Ruth! This woman is my hero!!!! She even gave us lessons on some burlesque moves, and we wound up having yet another dance party!

Sunday morning was graduation day. Tamika handed out diplomas to all the newbies, along with incredibly kind words to each of us. I felt so proud - I am now a Cervivor Ambassador!

I have so many opportunities through Cervivior to advocate for cervical cancer awareness, screening, and vaccinations. I am incredibly blessed.

The biggest takeaway from this weekend is a sense of sisterhood. I truly fell in love with every single woman there. I am so appreciative of how they boldly shared their stories, how they laughed and cried, how we were all there for each and every one of the other women in the room.

Four Life Changing Days (Part 1)

It's been a while, so this is going to be a long read! I'm going to split it into two posts, because otherwise it would wind up being the blog equivalent of War and Peace.
So much has happened, the biggest of which is that Jeff and I got married! On August 7, at 6:00 pm, we stood in front of family and a few friends, and vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of our lives. That needs to be a whole post in and of itself, so I'll give you a sneak peek of my absolute favorite picture of us of all time, and the abridged version, but I promise a post in the very near future dedicated to all things wedding!

We had everyone down for a week leading up to the wedding. There was plenty of potential for awkwardness with everyone staying on two of our boats, but everything went really smoothly. The day after the wedding, everyone took off, and it was just us (and our crew) for a week for our honeymoon.
People kept asking when we got back if things were different now that we're married. The answer to that is no, except for my last name! We had been together long enough, and worked on our relationship hard enough, that we have a really solid foundation.
Reilly started 7th grade. I can't believe I have a son in middle school! And in December, he will officially be a teenager, even though he's had the attitude of a teenager for a while now (read, surly). His school starts 2 hours earlier than elementary school did, so we are waking up in the wee hours - 5:15 am!!!! Neither of us are morning people. Every day I set out with the best intentions of being patient and calm. But by the third or fourth time I have to tell him to get up, I am raising my voice. Ok, I'm yelling. I'm trying to channel my inner zen. I'm a work in progress. And I'm human. I'm trying to cut us both some slack.

And now on to the other big news! In my last post, I talked about how I was going to Cervivor School West in San Diego. I had a basic idea of what the school would be about, basing off Facebook posts and Cervivor's website. I was so excited to learn more about this disease, and to meet a whole group of women who had been through what I had been through. Well, it was all of that, and so much more. I am absolutely not exaggerating by titling this post "Four Life Changing Days," because this experience changed me in the best possible ways.
I flew out to San Diego on Wednesday, the day before Cervivor School started. I was VERY anxious. I don't particularly care for flying, and flying by myself is even worse. But I wanted to go, so I left my guys at home, and flew across the country. I checked into the hotel, The Horton Grand, in the historic Gas Lamp district of San Diego. The Horton Grand is old fashioned and very quaint. And two rooms are supposedly haunted, rooms 209 and 309. Several of us experienced some odd things during our stay, so I'm a believer!
Things kicked off Thursday evening with a welcome reception. Tamika Felder, the founder of Cervivor, spoke to welcome us, as did Heather Banks, a Cervivor advocate and ambassador. We were treated to music by Unexpected Cure, a duo consisting of Rob and Stanzi, who are both cancer survivors, and use their experience to put a musical spin on healing. They modified the words to Imagine by John Lennon - "Imagine there's no cancer..." There were women like me who were attending Cervivor School for the first time, and there were also women who had attended Cervivor School before and were graduates. I talked to a few ladies, and wound up really bonding with one woman in particular (hi Melissa!) who I have a lot in common with aside from cervical cancer. As we talked and got to know each other, I found myself crying a lot. I was a little surprised by this. I'm over a year out from being declared NED (no evidence of disease), and I thought I had my emotions in check. But sharing my story with Melissa and listening to her story brought it right back up to the surface. I was told this was normal, that there is a lot of crying at Cervivor School, in a good, cathartic way. That was definitely true for me!
School was in session Friday morning! We had been seated around the tables in the conference room in the order of graduate, first timer, graduate, etc. This was great because I had a woman on either side of me who knew how emotional it was going to be. I started crying pretty early on, and the beautiful, kind woman on my right (hi Lori!) immediately reached out, put her arm around me, and rubbed my back. My first instinct was to feel completely ridiculous, but she just smiled at me and told me it was absolutely normal. Her reassurance let me give myself permission to let go and embrace my feelings, and I am so grateful for that!
Friday's focus was on telling our stories, and how to go about telling our stories in different situations (my first entry of this blog was my story). We covered both social media, and traditional media, how to be persistent, even the best times of the day to call media representatives, a kind of Media 101. I've definitely been using Facebook for my own grassroots advocacy, but Friday's speakers taught me how to be more effective.
It was so interesting to hear all these different stories from different women, and to realize how relatable they all were. Even if we were staged the same, our treatments differed. And our feelings about things were the same about a lot of things. We split up into groups to answer and discuss questions Heather posed to us, and we moved tables and teams for each new question, but the discussions were all very similar.
When I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer, I felt very alone. I found support through a group on Facebook, and have wound up making friendships with women from that group in real life. I have been lucky to have spent time with some of these women face to face. But I had never before been in a room with so many women who had been through what I'd been through, and really and truly GOT IT. It was wonderfully overwhelming, and I felt so blessed. I even found out that some of us at Cervivor School had mutual friends through the Facebook group (hi Erica & Marie!). We are all from different places, different socioeconomic statuses, different races, different religions. But we bonded so easily because we had all been touched by a horrific disease that has a stigma of shame attached to it. Cervivor School also helps to teach us how to advocate and knock down that stigma, so women will know that they are not alone.
So that's it for part one! I didn't cover every single second of what went on, so if you have further questions, please don't hesitate to comment here or on the blog's Facebook page. Stay tuned for Part 2!

xoxo jennie

Cervivor School

In September, I am going to Cervivor School for a four day conference, and I couldn't be more excited. In broad terms, the conference will focus on:

• essential knowledge about HPV, cervical cancer, and cancer prevention
• training in impactful storytelling so you can share your experiences with confidence and authenticity
• support from other women who have been right where you are
• access to experts in areas such as media, advocacy, scientific research, health-care, communications, psychology, and therapy

It will also be an amazing opportunity to meet & learn from other cervical cancer survivors.

Cervivor was founded by Tamika Felder, a cervical cancer survivor and advocate for women with cervical cancer. She recognized the lack of support for cervical cancer patients and survivors, and began Cervivor through her 501 (c) 3 organization, Tamika & Friends. 

One of Cervivor's main goals is to remove the stigma of cervical cancer being caused by HPV, and the best way to do that is by talking about it. Cervivor's "Who We Are" page has identified three levels of involvement:

• Some of you will be advocates among your friends and family
• Others of you will extend out to your social networks and local communities
• And then there will be the handful of you, that like Tamika, will want to change the global impact of cervical cancer, thinking about women across the United States, as well as women in countries around the world.

I want to change the global impact. I want to remove the stigma. I want every woman diagnosed to have somewhere she can go to spend time wiith other women who get her and what she is going through. When I was diagnosed, I felt alone, damaged, ashamed. And I don't want any other woman to feel that way

If you are reading this, and feel that way, please know you are not alone. It is estimated that 50% of people will contract HPV at some point in their lives. Most show no symptoms, and clear up on their own. There are 100 strains of HPV, and 13 - 14 of these strains are high risk and can lead to cancer. Women can be screened for HPV by their gynecologist, but there is currently no test recognized by the CDC to test for HPV in men.Gardisil, the HPV vaccine, can be given beginning at age 11, all the way up to age 26. It is not foolproof; it does not protect against all 100 HPV strains, but it does target 70% of the strains known to cause cancer. If you have been diagnosed, remember that there is nothing that you did to "ask" for HPV or cervical cancer. Approximately 33 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer each day in the United States, and 90% of cases of cervical cancer are causHPV. HPV can be transmitted in ways other than intercourse. 

These are the conversations we need to be having. This is the goal of Tamika & Friends and Cervivor. I want to be a part of that. I know that I can't make these changes on my own - I am only one person. So I am incredibly grateful to have the chance to go to Cervivor School, and learn how to take this extremely important convérsaton to the next level.

For more information about Cervivor School, Tamika Felder, and a many topics and resources related to HPV and cervical cancer, visit Cervivor at www.cervivor.org.

what's the deal with #TealTuesday?

We are all familiar with the color pink signifying breast cancer. In October, breast cancer awareness month, even the NFL shows their support by incorporating pink into their uniforms, from socks to gloves to the footballs themselves. And I think that is amazing. I also think it is unfair, because not all cancer is pink.

Please don't get me wrong, I fully support breast cancer. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, who was diagnosed two months before I received my cervical cancer diagnosis. But it's frustrating to see such widespread support for breast cancer, and virtually nothing for gynecological cancers.

So on Tuesdays, we wear teal.

What has come to be called #TealTuesday by many actually began as a challenge issued by a woman named Sunny in December of 2012. Sunny started a movement called Take Back Teal because of her mother, who lost her battle to ovarian cancer. She concurrently created a pledge called Turn It Teal Tuesday: every Tuesday for one year, those who pledged to do so would incorporate something teal in their outfit for that day. Teal is the color for ovarian cancer, so wearing something teal is a great way to start a dialog about ovarian cancer.

Teal and white are the colors for cervical cancer, so I wear something teal (almost) every Tuesday. And when I receive a compliment about whatever item it is, my response is "Thanks! I'm a cervical cancer survivor, and teal and white are my cancer's colors. I wear teal as often as possible to support other women fighting this disease, and to honor those who have lost the battle against it." I post pictures on Facebook and Instagram with #TealTuesday. It gets people asking questions, and every time I can help educate women about gynecological cancers, I am potentially saving someone's life.

#TealTuesday

You don't have to have ovarian or cervical cancer to participate in #TealTuesday. You can do it because  you know someone with GYN cancer. You can do it to help educate other women. You can do it because teal is an awesome color.

life really does go on

As of today, I am one year, one month and four days beyond being declared NED (no evidence of disease) for cervical cancer. I know I've said it before, but when I heard the words "You have cancer," my world seemed to stop. And it didn't start moving again for a very long time.

My life was no longer normal. I had a prolonged recovery from mild complications from my radical hysterectomy. I felt completely empty, like I had a huge void inside of me. Nothing made sense. I made poor decisions; trusting the wrong people, and not trusting the right ones. I changed, because that is what cancer does; it makes you a different person. Regardless of the stage you are at, what treatment you undergo, you are no longer the same.

I was in limbo for a long time. And then gradually, things began to change again. My life and I still were no longer the same as before I was diagnosed, but I began to find my new normal. I was no longer in a holding pattern, and my life began to move forward. It was slow at first, and then I woke up one day to the knowledge that I had shown no sign of disease for an entire year.

I have been incredibly lucky. I have four amazing friends, beautiful women both inside and out, who are still in different states with this devastating disease. We are spread out geographically, but talk pretty much every day. Nothing is off limits in these conversations. We laugh, we cry. We celebrate each others successes, and empathize with each others struggles. We joke around. We tell each other our deepest fears. We hold on to each other from hundreds and thousands of miles away. These women are my tribe. Amanda, Jen, Kim and Mel, I could never have made it without you.

I got engaged on Christmas Day to my best friend and the love of my life. My illness almost robbed us of our relationship, but thank god our love is strong enough to have brought us back from the brink, and made us stronger than ever. Jeff, you are my other half in all the best  possible ways. I love our life together. I love that you have brought your two incredible boys into my life, and allowed me to love them. Our family means everything to me. In 18 days, I will marry the man of my dreams, and I am truly blessed.

I have gotten involved with The Foundation for Women's Cancer, and am honored to be a member of the host committee for the 2015 Race to End Women's Cancer. This has given me the opportunity to be very vocal about GYN cancers, to help educate women and men who don't know about things such as symptoms to be wary of, and to be a source of support to friends who find themselves in situations where they could be looking at a cancer diagnosis. By leading a team in the 2015 race, I raise money for the Foundation, which goes towards raising awareness about prevention, detection, and treatment for GYN cancers; providing education about GYN cancers and how important it is to seek care; and supporting research into new, innovate treatment. When I was diagnosed, I realized just how ignorant I was regarding my own body, so I have become incredibly passionate about educating women, to take the steps they need to in order to stay healthy, and to provide support in any way that I am able.

This Saturday, my mother (diagnosed with breast cancer two months before I was diagnosed with cervical cancer) and I are hosting a party in honor of our first cancerversary. It will be a celebration of life, survival, and hope. Cancer left scars on our bodies and our souls, but we are healing. We each fought like a girl and we won. And we will keep on fighting because when you've slain the monster once, you know you have the strength to do it again.

Jennie (L) & KAREN (R)

     

a bittersweet celebration

As you know, I celebrated my first cancerversary on Tuesday. I was completely serious when I said that I thought that day would never get there. And then suddenly, there it was, a whole year had passed from the day my oncologist performed the radical hysterectomy that saved my life.

Obviously, I was elated. I'd hit a major milestone. The longer you go without a recurrence, the greater the chances are that you will remain cancer free. Of course there are no guarantees in life, but the statistics are good.

And now for the bad news. A very dear friend, Melissa, who I've written about before, was hospitalized last Friday. She was in excruciating pain, went to the ER, and wound up getting admitted. As it turned out, she had a partial bowel obstruction, so the doctors wound up doing what was basically an emergency colostomy. And of course, this happened on Tuesday.

How could I be so happy when my dear friend was going through so much? Why is she still suffering, and I'm celebrating? I feel so much guilt, even though that isn't rational. But emotions are not always rational.

As if that weren't enough, I found out yesterday that another friend had a biopsy done to remove precancerous cells from her cervix. She doesn't have the biopsy results yet, and she is scared. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be fine, but I have no way of knowing that. For many women, once the precancerous cells are removed, they are completely fine and clear. But I know too much and have seen too much to do anything other than support her, be empathetic to her fears, and share my own experience with her.

So yes, it's been bittersweet. I'm happy to still be NED, but am so sad for these amazing women and what they are going through. I don't feel like I have the right to be happy.

There is really nothing I can do except to pray for my friends, that they heal, that they live long, happy lives. I would do anything to make that happen.

Traditional Buddhist Blessing and Healing Chant

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.

My First Cancerversary!!!!!!

Today is my first cancerversary! On June 16, 2014, I checked into Sibley Memorial Hospital for a radical hysterectomy to rid my body of cervical cancer. The surgery was a success, and I was officially declared NED (no evidence of disease). My recovery was hard: I was in a lot of pain; I developed a hematoma and some blocked lymph nodes, surgical artifacts. One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with was the loss of my fertility. I had no intention of having any more children, but it’s different when it’s a choice you make versus one that is made for you.

I didn’t get through this alone. My oncologist, Dr. Jeffrey Lin, without a doubt saved my life. My mom, Karen, and my fiancé, Jeff, were essential, especially in those first few weeks. My friends & teal sisters were unbelievable. Tealies, thank you for being there at all hours of the day and night to answer all my TMI questions and provide excellent advice, to commiserate, or even just a simple response to let me know that I was not alone. Miriam, thank you for always checking up on me and making me laugh my ass off. Ashley, thank you for teaching me how to be a warrior. I especially need to thank Amanda, Jennifer, Kim and Melissa. Without those four amazing ladies, I never would have made it this far. I am so grateful that we are bonded for life.

I think it goes without saying that I would never ever wished to be diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified for a very long time, and still get nervous even now. But having cancer has taught me a great deal, some good and some bad. I learned how strong my spirit is. I learned how amazing my body is. I learned who my true friends were by who showed up when I needed them, and who didn’t. Most importantly, I learned how much I love myself and how very much my life means to me.

While my fight is (hopefully) over, there are so many of my friends still struggling with this horrible disease, and many more women will face gynecological cancers in their lifetimes. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep up with your Pap smears, as well as getting tested for HPV. Early detection saved my life, and for that I am forever thankful beyond words.

Love Your Lady Parts - Join the 2015 Race to End Women's Cancer

diagnosis: a retrospective

It's been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and I'm reflecting for a few reasons. Obviously, the timing. But then there's my darling friend who is now stage 4, still fighting strong. I've had the pleasure to connect with a young woman just beginning her journey. A lovely friend passed away from this God awful disease a few weeks ago. It's all made me think.

At the beginning of April 2014, I had a routine Pap smear. I was long overdue. I'm not sure what I hate more, the gynecologist or the dentist. Either way, I wasn't keen on going. But I had been having strange symptoms (TMI alert): irregular bleeding, heavy periods, increased and foul smelling discharge. Since I didn't know anything about cervical cancer or it's symptoms, I chalked it all up to normal.

I saw a million doctors. I even had two colonoscopies and an endoscopy. And everything came back normal. So I went for the dreaded Pap smear as a last result.

The Pap went fine, or at least as fine as those things go. My gynecologist didn't say anything of any significance, and I went on my merry way.

The following week, I started getting calls from her office. No messages were left, so I assumed it was just the typical follow up call to say all was well. I finally answered the third call, and it was my gynecologist herself. She said to me "You have adenocarcinoma. Cervical cancer. You need to see an oncologist immediately."

I went into shock. There was no way. She told me to come by her office to pick up the lab paperwork so I could take it to the oncologist. I drove there in a daze. I looked over the paperwork, and there it was: adenocarcinoma in situ.

I was terrified. I had no idea what this meant for me. How sick was I? What kind of treatment would I need? And (yes, vain, I know), would I lose all my hair?

Finding a gyn-oncologist was difficult, but I found a fantastic one. His name is Jeffrey Lin, and he works at Sibley Memorial Hospital (a Johns Hopkins hospital) in DC. When he examined me, he said that I was either pre-cancerous, or stage 1a1. The next step was to do a cone biopsy. This would involve removing a portion of my cervix to determine how deep the cancer was. If they got clean margins (basically removing all the cancer), I would need no further treatment. But if there weren't clean margins, I would need additional treatment.

The margins were not clear. I was restaged as 1b1 - still extremely low. My options were radiation or a radical hysterectomy. I chose the hysterectomy, as I have 3 amazing boys, and no plans to have any other children. He also advised that radiation could result in a "short, stiff vagina," which didn't sound like fun at all. So we scheduled the surgery. I had to wait for the biopsy to heal first, so my appointment for my hysterectomy was scheduled for 6/16/2014. Would I need additional treatment after that? We wouldn't know until the surgeries and biopsies that would come along with it.

Cancer is a waiting game. You take one step to determine what the next step will be. You don't know how bad things really are until you take that step. And that is TERRIFYING. But the antidote to the terror is hope and faith. I sought out other women who had been where I was, or were going through it themselves. I found support, love, advice, laughter, and tears.

I educated myself as best I could about what to expect. Then I settled in to wait.

No One Fights Alone - Three Hundred Strong

Me & Mel, the belle of the ball

I've written before about my beautiful, strong teal sister, Melissa, and her fight against cervical cancer, which has now metastasized. This past Saturday, I was lucky enough to travel to her hometown for a beef & beer fundraiser thrown for Mel by her amazing sister in law, Danielle. I met three of my teal sisters for the very first time: Mel, Amanda, and Jennifer. And it was like we'd known each other our entire lives. We've shared so much over the last year, sorrows, triumphs, laughter and tears. Our friendship may have been born from an ugly thing, but the love we have for each other is beautiful and genuine.

So the beef and beer... It was insane! 300 people came out, all to support Mel. Gloss Salon had a table set up to put in teal extensions (obviously I had to get two), there were two raffles, and all the proceeds go to help Mel in her fight. The night epitomized it's title: No One Fights Alone.

And the best part of the night! In a huge surprise, Mel and Ed, her fiance of 8 years got up on stage and GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was beyond perfect.

Sealing the deal

True love

I am so grateful to have been a part of such a magical night. And I'm so grateful to Mel and Ed's families for bringing me into the fold. I love you all so much, and I can't wait to see you again. Getting to hug these ladies who have been my rocks through my own cancer journey was worth more than anything.

no one fights alone

Strong, brave and beautiful inside and out

You can't capture Melissa's essence in a sentence. There are no words to explain how powerful she is, how brave, how strong. Last year, she was diagnosed with stage 1b2 cervical cancer, and she fought like a warrior: surgery, chemo, radiation, all the things she was supposed to do to eradicate the cancer from her body. She struggled, mentally and physically, but she kept a smile on her face, and always had a way of lifting up other ladies battling this dreadful disease. When treatment ended, she took some much deserved r&r in her happy place.

She came back home to have a PET scan done. She'd started experiencing debilitating pain. And then the other shoe dropped. Not only had the cancer fled her body in the face of treatment, it had metastasized. She was restaged to stage 4.

When I found this out, my heart shattered into a million pieces. Despite never having met in real life, her pain became my own. Mel, another dear friend, Amanda, and I are the three musketeers. Cancer besties. We each have walked our own path of hell through this disease, and it is so fucking unfair to watch someone we love so much have to deal with this. Her options are limited. Her oncologist gave her a 10 - 15% chance. She's checking items off her bucket list. And that makes me cry. No one so young should have to go through this. No one should have to make the choices she is faced with.

Mel's sister-in-law, Danielle, is hosting a benefit next weekend to raise money to help with medical bills. Even though the reason for the event is not a happy one, I know that there will be nothing but smiles and laughter (and ok, tears too). While we had hoped to meet under better circumstances, when everyone was healed from treatment, Amanda and I will be there to support our beloved friend and teal sister. To say I can't wait to hug these two women is the understatement of the century.

Every day I pray that the doctors are proven wrong. I know Mel is a fighter. I know she won't rest until she turns over every last rock and finds the magical treatment lying underneath. The picture above is the face of cancer - beautiful, self assured, strong.

Mel, I love you. For late night cry fests, for texts and PMs if you don't see me on Facebook, for that unique, indescribable quality that makes you who you are. No matter what, I am always by your side.

1 year cancerversary!!!!

Well, almost. In 84 day, I will officially be 1 year cancer free (God willing). And I have faith that I will make it to that 1 year mark. My oncologist has faith. All my scans have been normal. All my smears have been normal. I am healthy. I've been taking better care of myself than I have ever before in my life - eating clean, fresh foods, exercising regularly, the whole nine yards. And I feel great.

I remember being a few weeks out from my hysterectomy, and feeling like my first year cancer free was going to take decades to get there. Friends told me that I'd hit the milestones before I knew it: 3 months, 6 months, and finally that 1 year mark. And I still just couldn't wrap my head around it.

It was a very strange time, those first weeks post surgery. On one hand, I felt like it had just happened (which it had). On the other hand, I felt like the surgery had happened a million years ago. It didn't help that I had some minor complications, and that slowed my healing down. I basically spent all of last summer in bed on my back, racked with pain. I was convinced I would feel like that forever. Of course I didn't, but that's how pain is - it seems like it's always been there, and it's never going to leave.

My complications cleared up about 4 months after the operation, and I began to feel like I could get my life going again. I remember the first time I took my son out to run errands. No big deal, really, but it felt amazing. He'd been asking me to take him places for months, and I just couldn't do it. I felt like a horrible mother. But there we were, on a typical fall day in Virginia, where it's still as hot as August, going to Target! And the optometrist! For me, it was magical. For him, probably not so much.

And I was hitting those milestones. Time, which had stood still for so long, was finally moving. Three months, still NED. Six months, still NED. Nine months, still NED. And now I'm less than 90 days away from being an ENTIRE YEAR CANCER FREE!

There is another thing about this cancerversary that is extra special. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer two months before I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. During her lumpectomy, they found cancerous cells in one of the lymph nodes they removed, so she had to undergo radiation. She completed radiation right around when I had my surgery, with both of us getting the declaration of NED very close together. It was terrible that we both had cancer, but in a way, it was good that we went through it together. We could support each other in ways that other people couldn't support us because we got it. Even though our journeys were different, our feelings were the same. We could call each other and cry. We could share our triumphs together. And now we have this bond of a shared cancerversary.

It's a big deal. It's so big a deal that we are going to have a cancerversary party, to celebrate making it through an entire year from when treatment ended cancer free, and to thank all of our friends and family who supported us during some of the darkest, scariest days of our lives. I am so excited that we made it this far, that we get the chance to celebrate when we know others who are still struggling, still fighting.

My happiness over my health is always bittersweet, tinged with sorrow for dear friends who don't have their answers yet. For those that have never heard NED. I think of you and I pray for you every single day. I am humbled by your strength, your courage, your spirit. I am honored to have your support, and that you allow me to support you and be a part of your journey.

xoxo